My Good Friend Brendan Harris.

So today I went to an autograph signing and got to meet Brendan Harris of the Minnesota Twins.




I asked the person in front of me to take a picture while he was signing, so as not to slow up the line for other folks. The flash started Brendan, who looked up with a confused look on his face.

"Cheese?" he said, in a very funny and deadpan way.

Anyway, he was the only Twin that didn't have a great night tonight, so I'm starting to feel kind of cursed. Sorry, Brendan!

John

Another Thing About Josh Hamilton . . .

Okay, I really mean the guy no harm, but I have to say this or it will kill me.

Can we quit saying that Josh Hamilton has an "amazing story." It's always those two exact words. "What an AMAZING STORY," or "He has an AMAZING STORY to share with the youth," or "Josh Hamilton's year is truly an AMAZING STORY."

Every announcer, this year, has said those same lines over and over again. Are they feeling guilty? Did they lead Josh Hamilton astray when he was younger? What gives?

Here's my deal, America. Until Josh Hamilton wears a robe and can call down thunder and lightning while he sits on a stately rock and speaks with a deep, bass-y voice . . . let's just call him an inspiration once per game and be done with it. If you want to keep selling this AMAZING STORY sideshow, I need pyrotechnics.

John

Morneau Wins . . . Minnesota Style.

Did any of y'all watch AFTER Justin Morneau won the Home Run Derby?

First of all, the stadium was empty as hell because home run machine Josh Hamilton had misfired a time or two and lost the crown that he, by virtue of total home runs, seemed heir to.

Secondly, Justin seemed to push all of the attention to Josh Hamilton immediately after Hamilton's at bat.

THEN they presented a charity check, and the guy doing it (don't know he was) called Justin "Jason." The television reporter winced at this.

THEN he got the award, and I swear that guy said "Mur-neau."

And Morneau politely did nothing but talk about how great Josh Hamilton was.

Then the announcers all talked about how nobody cared that Morneau won.

Horrorpants just has to say it. This is the Midwestest way to win ANYTHING.

I love that about the Twins. No matter how well they do, they're still a small team from Middle America. I hope Morneau gets it, and that he's not brought down by all of the excitement.

Frankly, I love winning things this way. Sneaky small ball, folks. Just be the only one standing at the end and it doesn't matter how much fanfare you get.

Congrats on being Superman for an evening, Josh Hamilton. But congrats on keeping that sneaky Twins luck alive, Justin Morneau.

Our symbol shouldn't be a bear. It should be a pool hall hustler.

John

NBA Draft.

You may have noticed the Pants has not commented on the NBA draft, after spouting off about it for a few posts.

This is because I have NO IDEA how to feel about it.

Kevin McHale, you never cease to cause me intellectual constipation.

John

Pitcher's Duel.

I AM sad the Twins lost last night, but come on! That was a great game! Baker versus Dice-K? And Baker hangs in there against the Red Sox?

The Pants thinks that, if you're going to lose, that's the loss to have. A competitive 0-1 battle with great catches, great pitching, and great baseball. If and when the Twins lose (and let's hope it ain't TOO often), this is the way it should be. It shows we're always in the battle.

Baker's my guy. I think he could be amazing someday. Plus, he looks like Edward Furlong.

John

To Everything . . .

Last night, the Twins scored back-to-back home runs in the top of the ninth. With two outs.

The homers were scored by Brendan Harris and Brian Buscher.

I guess for EVERYTHING there really is a season.

Turn, turn, turn. And go Twins!

John

A Shame Surprise!

If you're a true Timberwolves fan you know that, tomorrow, during the draft, you will be getting a steaming helping of Shame Surprise. Maybe that player we pick third looks good now, but somehow, we know there's a way.

Maybe the dude will take a page from the Vikings playbook and end up in vehicular drama.

Maybe he will be traded for a player or two with a lot of potential and little else.

Maybe he just won't be able to play.

Half the fun is guessing. What do you think will be wrong with this year's draft pick?

John

The Return.

I'm back, folks. Sorry for the delay. We put a fence up in our backyard for the Designated Dane this weekend. I'm still trying to convince The Wife that we need a big, tall Twins flag to fly.

Speaking of flying the Twins flag, the Pants is cautiously optimistic about his favorite baseball team. They're scoring runs -- even if it is sometimes in weird ways. And their starting pitching woke up a bit as well.

If you were the Twins second grade teacher, you'd send home a note with their report card stating that, although the Twins are not yet A+ students, they have shown improvement and that is something in itself. You might even put a star or scratch-and-sniff sticker on it. I don't know what kind of second grade teacher you would be.

John

Runge Strikes Back

Still dangerous unhugged, Umpire Runge finds a way to punish the Twins again.

Brendan Harris tried to call a time out at the plate. He assumed he'd get it and he stepped back and looked down.

Runge, ever eager to increase the evil, didn't give it to him. Read all about it here.

I guess Runge went to the evil frat from the movies. You know, the one filled with guys being dicks for absolutely no reason whatsoever?

Who is this guy? What does he do in his spare time?

John

We'll Have To Say We Saw This Coming. If It Happens.

This week's Sporting News features new Vikings lovefest Jared Allen on the cover. The article follows him going on a bear hunting expedition and talking about life and the pursuit of smashing things.

Folks, I hope for the best with Jared Allen. I think he's even a good guy. I think he might be a Viking in the Ring of Honor someday, or maybe even the Hall of Fame.

But, when he's talking about being an impulsive adrenaline junkie who likes to play it wild, we can't pretend to be surprised if it goes the other way.

You know. The Vikings Way.

So I'm hoping nothing bad happens. But if we find out that he tries to hunt wild tigers with just his knife (from the article, it really seems like Jared Allen likes to go one-on-one with scary beasts using his knife), we can't pretend to be shocked.

Hey. At least we're not a team that has weird, bad things happen to it.

John

One More Game.

If the Boston Celtics win one more game, we never have to hear about the Wolves being the horrible basketball team that kept poor, innocent Kevin Garnett from getting his championship ring.

Yay!

We are THIS close to being our own lousy horrible team that's bad all on its own!

John

And There It Is.

The Twins everyone was afraid of seem to be here to stay. They're giving up runs in bakery denominations and scoring them like they're trying to ration them out to last the rest of the year.

As depleted as the Rochester minor league team is, they may HAVE to ration.

To put another emotional spin on it, we just dumped the extremely-disappointing (this year and last) Juan Rincon. Goodbye to an old, familiar face.

And Levan Hernandez is looking quite fallible. And the other pitchers just look young, risky, and occasionally confused.

So this Pants is still cheering with all he's got, but he's starting to see a legendary loser of a season coming, and he's not sure we can dodge it in time.

Whee.

John